Don’t you wish that life comes with a reset or a rewind button? Or that you have the ability to turn back time either to undo an embarrassing moment or to correct a stupid mistake or decision? But unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
I’ve always believed in the saying, ‘everything happens for a reason’. I always thought that no matter how shitty you think your life is at that moment, the shit that is happening to you happens for a reason and that once the storm passes, there will be a rainbow and probably even dancing unicorns at the end. I thought that not so great things happen so that better things can happen or that when a door closes, a window opens. The things is whenever something not so great happens to you, people will tell you ‘Oh, it’s God’s will’ or that ‘It’s not meant to be’ or some other profound bullshit to try to make you feel better about your situation. Maybe those people are right and that shit happen for a reason or maybe life is just trying to play a cruel joke on you to fuck you over.
I just feel like my time is running out. I know, that’s crazy to say or think for someone who is only 20 years old and has her whole life ahead of her. But I just feel like I’m growing up too fast and that time is passing by too quickly. It just feels like I’m in an ocean trying to swim to the shore but these huge waves are crashing into me full forced and I’m trying to fight the currents but I’m losing despite all my efforts. For the past couple of weeks, my mind keeps coming back to thoughts of how my life could have been different if I tried harder in school or that if I went out there to experience and explore more, and other ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only I have’ questions that did nothing to make me feel better about myself and my current predicament.
I guess I’m just feeling very lost, confused and scared about life in general. I just feel like life is playing a long, cruel joke on me and that life is fucking me over. Maybe everything does happen for a reason and maybe everyday and every situation we encounter is a life lesson for us to learn from. That is definitely the more positive way to look at a not so positive feeling. But I guess that’s just life. There are ups and downs and tons of bumps in the road that we can’t avoid and all we can really do is strap ourselves in and brace for the ride ahead. Because no matter how much you wish you could turn back time, you can’t. Like the idiom so eloquently put it: Time and tide waits for no man.