Ever since I was young, I have always dreamed of living in a foreign country. The thought of living in another country has always been so exciting to me. For years, I’ve wished and prayed to the gods above that one day it will finally be my turn to move to a land far far away. And as I grew older, I started turning this dream into a goal.
When I started fantasizing about living in a foreign land, the destination that I had in mind was London. But as I grew older, the destination changed to New York and since then it has always been New York. I don’t know when it started or how it started but I fell in love with New York. I’ve never been to New York or been anyway close to New York. But that certainly didn’t stop me from falling in love with that city. In my mind, New York will always be my Tallahassee. (Wadup, Once Upon A Time Reference!) I have imagined and played countless different scenarios of me living the life that I have always dreamed of in the city that I’ve always dreamed of living in my head and, as I grew older I wanted to make that dream into a reality so fucking bad.
At this point in my life, the only way that I could live overseas without my family giving up their lives, is through school. That meant that attending a university in abroad would mean that I finally get to achieve this lifelong dream of mine. I was pretty fucking optimistic that I would one day be able to study abroad to be honest. But today the harsh fucking reality came crashing down on me. Thats not going to fucking happen. At least not right now. There’s no way I could live overseas if I don’t have the means to support myself and my education financially and I can’t force my parents to sell their souls to the devil so that I could attain this dream.
I think the thing that scares me the most is that I will always be stuck here. And by here, I mean my own home country. Not that there’s anything wrong with where I’m from or with my life. Its just the fact that I’ve been dreaming of migrating to another country ever since I was a little girl and I feel like if I don’t make it, I’m sort of disappointing myself in a way. I know it sounds stupid but there’s this always this voice in the back of my mind that tells me that I need to get the fuck out of here, as if I’m a character in a horror film who’s about to get brutally murdered.
I guess I just feel like I’ve disappointed myself because I’ve tried so hard to achieve this goal of mine and it feels like everything is slipping away. I know there are still opportunities and time for me to fulfill this dream in the future but as the days go by I feel like this dream that I have been holding onto so tightly for so many years is starting to slip away from me. I feel like I’m starting to lose hope, hope that one day I’ll finally be able to get to my Tallahassee. (The Tallahassee lines probably makes no sense to the people who doesn’t watch Once Upon A Time)